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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Things Mommyhood Has Taught Me (Be prepared to laugh...)

Oh the joys of being a mom. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's downright scary! Luckily, no matter what your days bring, you can be sure that there is some humor (and wisdom) to be found in just about all of it.

So read through this (short) list of things you can learn from being a mom. Laugh a little and then add a comment to share what you've learned in your mom-journey. (Dads are welcome to post as well, many of these things apply to both parents!)

Things Mommyhood Has Taught Me

1. Sometimes the best way isn't the "right" way.

2. The people with the most advice on how you should raise your children are usually people who do not have children.

3. No matter how many kids you have had or have been around, they can always come up with a situation you weren't prepared for.

4. If you give a baby raspberries on their tummy right after they've eaten, you will soon have baby throw-up in your hair.

5. Having poop on your fingers is not the grossest thing you will encounter as a mom. Not even close.

6. People will giggle at you because you have Cheeto-handprints on your butt. Only another mom who has been there will be kind enough to wipe it off for you. (Or at least point it out, am I right?)

7. You're going to get every bodily fluid you can think of in your hair or on your skin or clothes during the course of raising your kids.

8. Kids get thirsty directly after being put to bed.

9. Sometimes "No" means "Yes" and "Yes" means "No".

10. A child will tell the most outrageous lies, and actually think that we might believe them.

11. The older you get, the harder it is not to laugh at kids trying to talk their way out of trouble.

12. Sometimes, ice cream IS dinner.

13. Kids will fall asleep when you don't want them to, but will stay up for hours when you most need them to go to bed.

14. Your kids' need for you will magically increase whenever you lock a door for privacy.

15. Small children only remember they HAVE to go to the bathroom about a minute after you sit down on the toilet yourself.

16. Babies that are good and quiet and stay asleep in front of strangers are usually the ones that refuse to go to sleep at home.

17. Kids eat bugs. It's not the best thing, but it isn't the worst thing either.

18. It's okay to pick a booger out of your kid's nose if it's just hanging out there.

19. Having a baby bump is like having a sign on your back that says, "This is my first day on planet Earth and I've never seen a baby before. In need of advice, please help."

20. Strong men become weak at the sight and smell of green and/or yellow poopie.

21. Before you are a parent, you KNOW how you're going to parent your child. After you're a parent, you realize the only way to outsmart your kids is to wing it.

22. There is no reasoning with anyone under the age of four.

23. A screaming child throwing a public tantrum is the best incentive to use birth control that there ever was.

24. You can't stay angry with a kid that's giving you puppy eyes and purposely saying ridiculous things to butter you up. You can pretend to be mad, but inside, you're laughing.

25. You could be the mellowest person in the world, but if someone messes with your kids, you turn into a crazy-lady.

26. Everything must be thoroughly sanitized for your first child - shopping cart handles, swing-sets, doors, tables, playgrounds. By the time the second child comes around, you aren't even sure where your giant-bottle-o-sanitizer is.

27. Purse size increases according to how many children you have.

28. Mommy's pants are just as good to wipe your hands on as a towel is.

29. Kids will climb on your lap, hug you, pass horrible gas, and then leave the room while you choke on the stink, with absolutely no regrets or feelings on the matter whatsoever.

30. Something in your house other than a bed mattress will eventually be peed on. Not necessarily on purpose, but it's going to happen.

31. Expensive furniture becomes inexpensive furniture if your kid finds markers.

32. A coffee-maker is a mom's best friend.

33. The only thing you'll really want for Mother's Day is a solid nap. You won't get it though. Even if they try to let you sleep you'll keep jolting awake because of your "I'm-supposed-to-be-doing-something" mindset.

34. The best artwork is always done on the floors, walls, and cupboards.

35. If your child is lovingly nosing your shoulder, you should check to make sure they weren't actually wiping their boogers and snot on you.

36. If your kids are being quiet, you had better go see what they've done.

37. Even the most loving of brothers and sisters will fight like they hate each other sometimes.

38. At some point you will stop using your "mom-voice" on your kids to answer the phone in your most-pleasant-I-am-the-Perfect-Mother voice... which will lead to your children pointing that out as soon as you've finished your phone call.

39. Your children know the best time to get your attention is when you're already having a conversation with someone else.

40. Sooner or later, someone is going to poop on the toilet seat, and you're going to be the one that has to clean it up.

41. Plain old lotion can also be used as a "miracle" cream when treating invisible boo-boos. Seal it with a kiss and it's good as new.

42. Baby poop that isn't contained at the time of projectile can get a distance of four or five feet. Hopefully this isn't something every mother has to experience first-hand, but those of us who do get a special I-Survived-The-Explosion badge to pin on our sashes. (Not really, but how cool would that be?)

43. It will seem to take eons to potty-train, but when you look back it will feel like it was only a few days.

44. If your kid gets mad at you now & then and tells you how unfair you're being, you're probably a pretty awesome parent.

45. Your kids won't judge you for licking cake batter with them. So go ahead. Enjoy the moment.

46. The best bed-time stories are the ones you get to hear your kids tell. One of my favorites is The Lorax... as retold by my three-year-old's imagination.

47. Making the bedroom rounds and checking to make sure your kids are "okay" at 2 or 3 or even 5 in the morning is totally normal.

48. A mom can want nothing more than to be left alone for a few minutes, only to miss her "babies" as soon as she gets that alone time.

49. Every mom will feel guilty at some point about some thing. It's natural, it's normal, and as long as you're doing your best, you shouldn't let it get to you.

50. The only thing better than being told you're a great mom when you're trying hard is being told by your child that you're a great mom, especially when you don't think you've been.

51. Motherhood is messy.

52. Mothers are imperfect people with a perfect calling.

53. "Do as I say, not as I do" is just as good an excuse as any when your kids ask why your bed isn't made.

54. Repeat after me: "Because I said so."

55. Toilet plungers: The best thing there is to retrieve Spiderman from inside the toilet.

56. Sometimes, it's better if you don't know who did it.

57. Every so often during parenting, you will recall a time during your younger years when you said, "I'm never going to parent this way, I'm going to remember what things were like and treat my kids differently!" Then and only then will you realize that your mother had the right of it all along.

58. Babies only fall asleep after you've given up trying to get them to fall asleep.

59. The stuff on mom's plate always tastes better than the exact same food on a child's plate.

60. When you're raising kids, it seems like it will be easier "some day", but when you get to that point, you decide it was easier "back then".

61. A penny saved isn't a penny earned. It's a down payment towards the tooth fairy.

62.. Little kids get bad morning breath too... but they don't have the social skills not to say "Helloooo mommy!" right in your face.

63. It's okay to ask yourself if you're being crazy now and then. As long as you're still asking yourself if you've lost it, you haven't.

64. It doesn't matter what your kids promise. You will eventually become the caregiver for all living creatures that are brought into the house to keep as pets.

65. Nothing is forever. Not the bad times, not the good times. You have to enjoy it as it comes, because you'll be looking back on all of it before you know it.

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